Do You Know Me?


“Do you know who I am?”

The cab driver nods.

“I’m not dangerous.”

He looks for reassurance in my face, but my determination and anger won’t give him any.

I took my life in my hands getting him to stop.

The first cab I hailed simply sailed around me and into oncoming traffic, causing a lot of hard braking and a certain amount of swearing.

This bloke stopped, and as I piled into his cab, I yelled, “Follow that car.”

He didn’t reply, and he didn’t seem fazed by my command.

Maybe cab drivers get that all the time.

He was young and tall with very dark hair and amazing black eyes. He kept glancing at me in the rearview mirror and, considering my loud request; you may not think that was so strange, but I knew he’d recognised me.

My photo had been on the front page of the Herald-Sun for three days, just above the picture of a disgraced footballer, a coach caught up in a doping scandal and an ‘actress’, I had never heard of, who was outraged that her naked photos had appeared on the web, again.

I have found it relatively easy to keep my naked photos off the web; I don’t take any. I wouldn’t want to ‘frighten the horses’, as my mum used to say.

The twenty-year-old Mercedes with a damaged tail light had a short head start on us, but my dark-eyed cab driver was up to the task. The upside of tailing someone in a taxi is that no one takes any notice of the poor driving that is required to follow someone successfully; all cabs are driven like that.

The old Merc dived into a parking space opposite a vacant bloke of land. The driver got out as we sailed by.

I gave the taxi driver an enormous tip, and he smiled at me. Hopefully, he will take an hour or two before he reports having seen me. If this were a movie, he wouldn’t turn me in at all, but this isn’t a movie, and I’m going to be lucky if I stay one step ahead of the police.

The silver Merc’s driver prized open the security fence that was doing a poor job of protecting the vacant block and disappeared.

I’m only a chartered accountant, but it is amazing what skills you can summon up when your life has been torn apart. The Merc driver did not see me follow him, nor did he notice me see him enter the old house that was hidden behind a massive growth of blackberries. The house must have been empty for a very long time.

I put my hand in my coat pocket and felt the handle of the wood chisel.

One of us was going to come out of that house and live happily ever after.

From the first time since this all started, I considered scribbling my last will and testament on the back of the McDonald’s receipt that I found in the other pocket of my coat, but there wasn’t enough time, and I didn’t have a writing implement.

An accountant without a pen but in possession of a sharp wood chisel. It had been a very strange couple of days, but now it was about to get terminal.

I took a deep breath, and with the hand that wasn’t holding the chisel, I pushed open what had, at one time, been the front door.


illustration credit:




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The Rat



Living near a creek and being surrounded by neighbours who keep chickens I am no stranger to the sight of rats, I even mowed over the top of one once, but that was way up at the back of the property.

In the thirty-six years, we have been home owners we have never had a rat inside the house………….. until now!

When it happened, I was alone.

It was Easter and Matt was spending time with his geographically impossible lady friend, and Scotty was in Adelaide visiting our granddaughter and the parents of our granddaughter.

My first hint that something was up was at about two o’clock on Good Friday morning. I was half awake half asleep when I thought that I felt one of the dogs walk across my feet. It took a second, but my brain eventually worked out that both of the dogs were curled up next to me. Within a nano second Zed, our part Maltese terrier shot off the bed in hot pursuit without making a sound, which is unusual for Zed as he usually barks if he picks up something unusual. His silence was unnerving, but my fatigue outweighed my curiosity, so I went back to sleep.

During the night I got up to go to the toilet, and for some reason, I decided to close the bathroom door, or at least to pull it almost shut.

The next morning I was sitting up in bed reading when I noticed what shall be known from now on as The Rat when it went bouncing by my bedroom door!

I don’t remember my exact words, but it went something like, “Holy Shit!”

It was obviously too big to be a mouse. Mice are easily caught, but this was a rat!

I tracked it into the lounge room, and I could hear it under the couch munching on something.


I went into Superman mode and picked up the couch. I don’t think I had worked out what I was going to do next as I was pretty much working on instinct at this stage but I could see it’s tail, it’s very long tail.

I tried to move the couch just a little bit more and ‘bang’, my back went out.

Now I’m trapped in a house with a rat and a bad back.

This day was not starting off too well.

At about this point I stopped reacting and started thinking.

In the past when we have had a possum come down the chimney I have simply left the nearest door open, and the frightened animal finds the escape route; problem solved.

The problem this time was that the rat wanted to get back to the bathroom as evidenced by the chew marks on the bottom corner of the almost closed bathroom door. I had inadvertently cut off his escape route.

The ‘leave the door open’ plan still seemed like a good one, but I had to stop the rat doubling back and heading for the bathroom, so I blocked off the doorway (this room does not have an internal door) using a large chipboard backed poster. My hope was that the rat would think that it was a continuation of the wall and would eventually work it’s way around to the open door.

At this point, it had moved from under the couch and was hiding behind the stereo equipment, and I could hear it scratching. A while later it moved across the room and hid behind the DVD shelves, which did not bode well for my plan as it had to walk past the open door to get to its new hiding place!

It stayed in that room all day, and the dogs were very confused and kept looking at me as they had never been stopped from going in there.

Night fell, and still, the scratching continued.

Eventually, it became obvious that I was going to have to make a decision about the whole open door thing.

I figured that as this rat was most active at night, there was a good chance that it might find it’s way out during the night but this meant sleeping with the front door open all night.

My desire to have this rodent out of my house outweighed my discomfort at sleeping with an open door and the added bonus of the house filling up with mosquitoes.

Next morning it was still there scratching away.

I have to admit that my heart sunk, just a little, but I come from hardy stock and bravery in the face of the enemy was a hallmark of my ancestors, so I checked in every hour to see if the noise had stopped and a couple of times I thought that it had only to hear it start-up again.

At about five o’clock on that afternoon I checked again, and the noise was gone never to return which was just as well as the messages I was receiving from Scotty were hinting that she was retreating to a hotel when she arrived back from Adelaide if the rat was not gone!

The first stage of the campaign was complete, but I quickly realised that the war was not over as the rat could still return to the house through the weakness in the bathroom.

Now, it has always been understood in our family that we do not kill creatures when they find their way into our house. We do our best to remove them without harm. We are not always successful, and there has been the occasional fatality, but by and large, we do our best to ‘live and let live’.

This situation, unfortunately, required a different approach.

As the ‘pack leader, ‘ it is my responsibility to see that my ‘pack‘ remains safe and a rat is a very real danger to the dogs and humans who live peacefully here.

I don’t like poison baits as they are indiscriminate killers and can continue to do damage even after the intended target is dead.

Every night for the next several days I put baits down in the bathroom and locked the door.

For the next three day, the baits were gone by morning. Was this a super rat or did he bring his posse with him each night!

On the fourth morning, the baits were untouched and have remained so until now.

The deadly deed appears to have been done.

Whether we like it or not, as males, we are expected to do certain things like dealing with mice and rats and spiders.

Despite my nickname (spider), I have been terrified by them for most of my life, but in recent times my fear has abated as I have actively studied them. It seemed to me that a lot of fear comes from ignorance so if I remove the ignorance the fear should go away. Well, I would not exactly say that it has gone away but it is definitely under control, and I have come to be fascinated by these amazing creatures.

In my family, we have always tackled problems together, and there is strength in numbers, I have been very lucky to have such a strong and supportive family.

Things have settled down since then, and there have been other challenges come along to replace this one, but there is a good chance that 2012 will go down in family history as ‘the year of the rat’.