I don’t particularly like party games, and I like parties even less, but sometimes you have to turn up – do your penance.
My girlfriend asked me to attend.
I say ‘girlfriend’, and you probably think that I’m young and healthy.
One out of two.
My 50th birthday has been bearing down on me recently, and I cannot seem to dodge it.
So, young? No, but reasonably healthy.
It was realising that my youth had flown which prompted me to consult Dr Bob Roberts. I was sitting in his waiting room contemplating Dr Roberts parent’s lack of imagination when I heard my name being called.
There is something about having your full name being called that takes you straight back to your school days. I was waiting for the words “come to the principal’s office,” when I snapped out of it, and I proceeded into the most interesting appointment of my life.
To cut a very long story short, Dr Roberts was famous for perfecting a health drink specifically aimed at lazy approaching-middle-aged-males like me.
I never bothered to read the fine print, and I’ve never read the Apple terms of agreement either, but on this occasion, it would’ve been a good idea if I had.
So, I’m at this mildly boring party with some spectacularly attractive, boring people when the subject of party games comes up.
I suffered through several rounds of Charades, and at just about the moment I thought I would have to gnaw my arm off to escape I heard myself say, “How about we play, ‘Pass Through The Writer’?”
Not surprisingly, most people said they had never heard of that game.
“How do you play it?”
“I’m glad that you asked,” I said with just a hint of the smile.
It is true that I’d ‘had a few’, but that was for anaesthetic purposes, now my intoxication was fuelling my bravado.
I chose the prettiest woman from those who were paying attention to my conversation.
I decided to face south for no particular reason except that I knew where south was due to an underutilised application on my iPhone.
The attractive woman was, even more attractive the closer she got.
She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, but that may have had more to do with having to step over several sets of feet to join me ‘centre stage’.
It helped that I was standing under a downlight which gave us a theatrical glow.
She smelled amazing, and I was tempted to ask the name of her fragrance, but I did not want to diminish the buildup to my performance.
I leaned down, because she was several inches shorter than I, and whispered in her ear, “Stand quietly behind me and when I say the word ‘forward’ walk towards me and for heaven’s sake don’t stop until I tell you to or something truly terrible will happen.”
I heard her gasp, ever so slightly.
Now she was unsure; was I serious or not?
I’d never done this with a stranger before, and I had no way of knowing if she would move when I told her to, but the look in her green eyes said that there was a good chance that she would.
Despite the poorly amplified music, there was a kind of silence in the room.
I milked the anticipation of my rapidly growing audience until almost every eye was upon us.
“Close your eyes and move forward. Trust me, you will be fine.”
I was well lubricated, so I forgot about the after-effect………
“You scared the shit out of every person in that room. I hope you are proud of yourself?” It was my girlfriend Linda speaking, and she didn’t seem to be happy. I discounted the possibility that it had something to do with the toilet seat or forgetting to put the garbage out.
This seemed to be bigger than that.
It came back to me in small chunks and none too quickly.
“Is the woman with green eyes okay?” As I said this, it occurred to me that it would’ve been polite of me to have enquired after her name before asking her to pass through my fully clothed body.
“She is, but it’s going to be a while before anyone gets her to play a party game again.” My girlfriend wasn’t smiling.
“I could’ve made it easier for her if I’d be naked, but it seemed inappropriate somehow.”
I was smiling, but I got the feeling that a smile was not going to get me out of this one.
“Are you completely crazy? If anyone works out that that wasn’t a party trick your life will be turned upside down.”
She was right, and she went on being right for the next twenty minutes.
“What are the chances that any of those vacuous idiots noticed?” I said in an unconvincing voice.
“Do you know how hard I had to work to convince everyone that you were okay and it wasn’t necessary to call an ambulance, the police, the Fire Brigade or the Army? Someone mentioned Mulder and Scully, and I think they thought they are real people. You were out for a long time.”
She had calmed down a bit, and she sounded concerned.
“I’ve never done that before while being reasonably pissed. I don’t think I’ll do that again.”
I meant it when I said it, but you would have to experience it to understand why I cannot go too long without another hit. In those few moments as our atoms passed by each other, I experienced everything she has ever experienced. It would have had the same effect on her, which means that somewhere there is a green-eyed woman who remembers a 40 something bloke having sex with two female flight attendants in a hotel in Tokyo.
I was promoting a book, and one thing led to another and the next thing I know I’m hip deep in flight attendants. No one passed through anyone, but it was not for want of trying, at least on my part!
I’m pretty sure that whisky was involved on that occasion as well.
If you enjoyed this story, you might like this anthology……….